How To Be Vocal with What You Want from Your Spouse

Focus on how you say it if you want to know how to communicate better with your spouse. Do you want to know how to talk to your partner as if you adore them? What are the components of how we understand our partner when they are attempting to communicate with us? Surprisingly, the research shows that our partner's actual words contribute only 7% of the message, while our partner's speech patterns, and tone of voice contribute nearly 40%. Words that appear to be harmless on the surface can become hurtful when spoken in a dismissive, sarcastic, or disrespectful tone. We all know that tone of voice is an important part of communication. However, research indicates that other factors such as timbre, volume, pitch, and inflection also play a significant role.

A key takeaway from successful science-based couples therapy is to develop mindfulness in what you say and how you say it. Yelling is ineffective. It has never happened. It will never happen. Raising your voice will only encourage your spouse to respond by shouting back or fleeing. In either case, you're not communicating or negotiating. Instead, if you want to know how to communicate better with your spouse, try slowing down when you talk to them. Use silence and pauses to emphasize what is most important to you while also giving your partner time to reflect and respond.

Remember that you love your partner and that you both want to be understood better. Often, the best way to accomplish this is to concentrate on helping your partner "get you," which is often best accomplished by slowing down. However, don't be too slow when conversing with your partner. Going too slow, however, can be construed as condescending and even spiteful. It sends the message, "I think you're an idiot." Speak at a measured pace, pause for emphasis, and check in with your partner to see if they're staying regulated as well.

Non-verbal expressions such as sighs are bids for emotional attachment. When bids get neglected, it eats away trust. Flip toward your partner when they are pushing so hard if it only begins out non-verbally. The ultimate mystery of how to synchronize with your spouse…talk to your partner as if they were somebody who you loved. Take it easy. Take breaks when necessary. And when you're talking to your partner, keep love in mind at all times.